Abigail Pro

Hello, world. Sorry if I worried you with my last post. I really did want to run from my problems. But here I am, back again. Things happened and I’m in a much better situation now. My mental and emotional states are also good, so I’m fine.

This is just a quick update to let you know that I’m on a process of starting over and growing, which I call, growing over. I learned that there are still so many things (funny I thought I already knew everything, psh) I have no idea about and even more so about myself. read more

I don’t want to face my problems. I have a few, huge problems I’m struggling with. I have no idea what to do and how to fix them. Maybe I have an idea but I either don’t have the strength to do it or am afraid I can’t do it. I’ve been listening to the Word but for some reason, all I’ve been hearing is that I’m not doing enough. I can’t seem to get the point of the sermons.

In a nutshell, I’m plagued by this realisation: Jesus has forgiven me ALL of my sins and knowing His grace and mercy lets me let God write His laws in my heart and let Him be my God. But why am I not seeing this result in myself?

Long story short, why am I still sinning? AKA: Why am I not perfect yet?

The truth is that. If I’m not sinning, which is the outcome I want to see, I’m perfect. I reason with myself that I just want to be average. As in, I don’t wanna have big sins. I just want small ones I don’t have to feel bad about. That is to say, if the sins are smaller, I feel like my walk with God can cover them.

Writing that out makes me realise that I still, somehow, do depend on my own efforts to please God and be accepted and loved when He already did (and even more) regardless of what I have been doing and will do with my life.

How can this simple truth be so profound for me to understand that even to this day I still struggle believing this fact. I can’t seem to drill this in to my head. Every little thing I do for my spiritual growth, listening to God’s Word, etc, is like an investment I make to cover up for my future sins and when I stop doing them or I have bigger sins that my being goody-two-shoes can’t cover up anymore, I feel stressed and drained out and anxious.

I had improved recently though and I’ve been listening to the Word to hear God and not to make up for my mistakes and shortcomings but the fact that I still measure myself up against some stick or sort of standard tells me that I still don’t understand or believe the gospel completely.

I am at a loss. I don’t know how to do this anymore.

I just wanna run.

Dear blog. Today has been one of my most productive days this year, so far. I know it’s only been 10 days since the year started but I had been very passive the last few months. More than usual and it bothered me on the inside. Everyday I just did my obligations without giving a thought to anything. Going wherever the flow took me. read more

It had been 9 months since I last visited this blog. So many things happened in that span of time. I met a lot of people and made relationships. I had a few friends come and go. I lost count of how many times my priorities changed. I don’t have all night, however, to reminisce and recall every single moment just so I have something to write here. I’d like to take every moment as a new beginning. This moment is a blank space for me to fill with whatever good things I can find.

I had continued to play the mobile game called VainGlory. I had, in fact, joined its content creator program. I write content for the game and get in-game items in return.

The truth is, I just really enjoyed playing it a lot. But with everything going on in my life, I had to have a better reason to keep playing. I had to justify it somehow, I guess, to myself. At least, that was how it started. All the knowledge I gained from the game had to be channeled through an outlet somehow, or I’d have felt like I wasted every hour I spent playing. That’s how it works for me. So, I went and made a blog, vainglory.abigail.pro. And on there, I unleashed everything I had exhausted from the game. I went and applied for the VCP (content creator program) and got accepted.

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What used to be an outlet of in-game knowledge evolved into a dream.

I had been blogging since I was 19. It’s not new to me. I’ve gotten the benefits of that in my essay-writing for school too. Writing, at least academically and professionally, is one of my best skills. I never, however, entertained the idea of writing fantasy for the sole purpose of entertaining readers. I mean, I write to entertain to some degree, but I hadn’t thought about writing fantasy.

The idea was presented to me multiple times by my family and some friends but I always dismissed it. The reason used to be because I didn’t think it was beneficial. I didn’t think fantasy had any worth. I’m a very rational person and I don’t want to feed something without substance to people. You can tell how strange my mind’s wiring was.

It wasn’t until recently that my family finally got me to see from another perspective. The truth is, I enjoy fantasy, myself. I love watching movies. I loved the LOTR books. I read manga and watch anime too. The truth is, everyone else enjoys fantasy in one way or another and even if I don’t write fantasy, it’s not really gonna change anything. People will continue reading good fiction books and watching movies, while I sit in my corner wondering why I never tried.

And so, the dream was born.

I wrote a fanfic – a short one, and it’s not really as good as I hoped it to be. At least, not yet. But it’s a start and I’m glad I had done it. I’m taking baby steps and just enjoying the ride, for now. Those steps include, trading my old Kindle 8 for a Paperwhite so I can read at night, too and getting into fantasy books. I’m starting with Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere. It’s really captivating and I’m loving it so far. I’m just getting myself some inspiration and feed this dream within while I let days and circumstances pass.

In other news, I have exactly 13 months left to finish my degree. It had been a rough ride and this term, I must admit, I had been careless, not carefree but careless. I have a month before the final exams, 3 weeks before my group project and presentation is due, and 3 weeks before my database system is due. That’s quite a lot, now that I think about it. Just bringing into remembrance, I have a full time job. I work 12 hrs a day for 15 – 16 days a month. I do get a lot of downtime, but I also have a blog – or two, actually, two blogs. And I still manage to squeeze in some time to play VainGlory, watch movies with my sister and watch Michelle Phan videos. Not to mention the social media involvement I have to maintain for my VainGlory blog.

I should mention this, too. I have been rather active on Twitter and Discord and those are hogging up like 2-3 hrs of my day. It used to, at least, when I first started. That’s the thing with me and I don’t like it either. When I get involved in something, I go in so deep until I exhaust everything I can. And it gets kinda hard to pull away. I think Jesus is still fixing this part of me. I mean, it’s useful sometimes, but it can also be used to harm myself and stray from my path.

Speaking of Jesus, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of remembering how good He has been to me. 3 years ago, I would’ve already collapsed under all this pressure. I would’ve overburdened myself with everything, exploded and blamed everyone, just being toxic and miserable. Thank the Lord, that’s far far away in the past where it belongs.

I like and love who I am now, knowing that the Lord loves me, and all of me, my strengths and weaknesses, right and wrong doings and everything else. Knowing that He died on the Cross to set me free from the curse of this world where I have to merit everything. I no longer depend on my efforts to attract good things. Jesus died and paid with His blood, to give me free access to all His goodness. He is on my side forever, and this strengthens me and inspires me to keep moving forward, to keep loving, to keep believing.

I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and I still will do in the future. The only assurance of hope I’m holding on to is knowing that Jesus already knows this and He still chose to save me and gave me what I can never deserve. Why, then, should I still worry? The only thing left for me to do, really, is to stick to Him like a glue. I still fail at that sometimes, but who’s counting my mistakes? It’s not Jesus. He has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself. Everyday is a new opportunity to walk with Him and enjoy His goodness. I’m on sermon #43 out of #361 (Joseph Prince sermons) and it’s really helping me stay on track. Being reminded daily of His salvation is what enables me to be. It’s a kind of freedom and peace the world will never understand, but for those who do, isn’t it just amazing? I never thought life could be this beautiful. That despite everything, I’m still alive with a purpose, everywhere I go, good things happen. I don’t have to drag myself out of bed every morning, I don’t have to dread the day the world ends. I mean, I’m happy.

Ah, I intended for this to be a short update on my whereabouts but I got sidetracked again. Whatever. It always clears my mind though, when I get to write my heart out like this. Pray for me, if you would, though. I need to do a lot of studying and time management. Thanks for dropping by. Jesus’ love, salvation and peace be with you.